If it hadn't been for you meddlin' kids

From now on I can make my name with film & TV scripts without much effort.

Trite and tested

Just because something wouldn't happen in real life doesn't mean it can't happen every single night on TV. Johnny Dee records the series of little cliches that fill the small screen

Saturday May 21, 2005
The Guardian

Criminal prosecutors have dubbed it "the CSI effect". Juries in America, it seems, have been so taken in by the primetime forensics TV show that they believe every case is solvable by DNA testing (the results of which take 20 seconds on TV but weeks in reality). In several cases they have failed to convict killers - who then went out and killed again - where every other piece of evidence pointed to them because there was no DNA or discovery of "fibres" linking them to the crime.

Not only that, juries have also expressed disappointment when the evidence is not presented to them by handsome men and attractive women who work in laboratories awash with plasma screens and wonder-computers that contain databases of every person's fingerprints in the entire world. However, not all TV cliches lead to life-or-death mistakes. Here are our favourites.

Children

·Robots always get along with kids.

· When parents have a sex-education talk with their teenagers, hilariously their children know more about it than they do.

· Babies are born with dry hair and none of that yucky blood stuff.

· When a child goes on holiday and gives his beloved pet to a friend to look after, the pet will die. In order to save his feelings, an identical pet will be purchased and nothing will be said. The replacement, however, cannot do Fluffy's special trick.

· Teens who dabble in soft drugs will be pus-ridden heroin addicts within days.

· Bad guys apprehended by young policemen/vampire-slayers must say the line: "But you're just a kid."

· The fat kid is the funny one. The clever one wears glasses. The girl is a kickboxing expert.

· Kids who have hit an adult and knocked them out will stare at their fist in utter disbelief.

Communication

· Men don't enjoy expressing emotions with one another but will attempt an awkward air-hug. Unless they are members of the mafia, in which case they will heartily pat each other on the back exactly three times.

· At the end of phone calls there is no need to say goodbye.

· Powerful people with their own offices enjoy talking to people with their back turned to them while staring out of their big window.

· Music in nightclubs is so quiet you can continue talking as normal.

· Mobile phones only ring if it's bad news or if they're at an opera or funeral.

· No one sets their keypad to silent.

Transport

· Car drivers can talk directly to their passengers without having to look at the road.

· If someone gets a new car it'll never make it to the end of an episode without being destroyed.

· Any car which falls off a cliff or hits a wall will explode.

· People trying to reach an airport or train station to make a last-minute declaration of love will get stuck in a traffic jam near their destination and have to run the final few yards.

· If a car or plane is running low on fuel the hero must tap the fuel gauge. It doesn't help.

Travel

· All flats and houses in Paris have a view of the Eiffel Tower.

· People in soap operas work within a 20-yard radius of where they live.

· Soap characters only go on holiday in groups of eight.

· It is impossible to visit France without hearing accordion music.

Crime

· Whenever someone steals the clothes from a policeman/security guard/Nazi soldier after knocking them unconscious, the uniforms always fit perfectly.

· Shortly before killing a detective he has tied up in his basement, a serial killer will explain at great length the motivation for his crimes and how he committed them.

· Contraband (money, cocaine, gold bullion) is always stacked very, very, very neatly.

· Pedestrians who get in the way of high-speed car chases safely manage to avoid being run over - including the lady with the pram who is halfway across the street. Market stall-holders, however, can kiss goodbye to their fancy displays.

· What is the point of road-blocks? Criminals in cars simply find the nearest available ramp and fly over the dumbfounded police officers in slow motion.

· The only thing that can stop criminals escaping a bank raid by car is an unfinished bridge.

· Briefcases contain money or guns. Cocaine comes in holdalls.

· Chases on foot will always involve the runner heaving over boxes to obstruct those pursuing him before ending at a chain-link fence (a location also used extensively in most 1980s pop videos). Always remember to run up stairs and down fire escapes.

· Dogs growl at the guilty. Cats hiss at evil. Parrots reveal the key to the plot.

· Identikit pictures are always stunningly accurate and never look like Bob Carolgees, as they do in reality.

· If police are tracking a phone call a small light will appear on a giant map behind them when they have traced their target.

· Any policeman who has to do one last job before retirement is dead meat.

Technology

· Hackers attempting to guess someone's computer password will fail at the first two tries - huge messages reading "ACCESS DENIED", "CLASSIFIED" or "CONFIDENTIAL" will flash on screen.

· People using chatrooms use very large typefaces.

· Laptops are always made by Mac.

· News programmes (BBC News 24 if it's a BBC drama) are turned on just in time for characters to see the start of the report that personally concerns them then immediately switched off before the item has properly ended.

· If someone bumps into another character, it's because they're planting a secret recording device the size of a flea on them.

· Specially designed TV bullets kill bad guys with one shot. Good guys take 10.

· Whenever anyone looks through binoculars we always see two joined circles.

· When someone takes a photo we hear a clicking noise and see the photo full screen.

· People on TV only use kettles that whistle.

· Nuclear devices set by terrorists always come equipped with an oversized LED clock. Bombs are only ever made safe with one second left after the hero has had to choose between cutting a red or blue wire.

· When someone rewinds a video tape you hear the audio portion of the tape being rewound.

Fantasy

· All aliens speak English.

· Most foreign planets look strangely similar to gravel quarries in the south-east of England.

· The evil emperor's beautiful daughter will fall in love with the hero. She also feels sorry for the oppressed captives her father has locked up and sets them free.

· Spaceships are full of cameras. If anything happens anywhere it's always displayed on a small screen on the control panel.

· Never use your amazing Earth-destroying super-weapon straight away. Save it till later.

· Spaceships don't need keys.

· Dastardly master criminals have a thing for staff in matching uniforms.

· Alien armies really like wearing helmets with clear plastic visors.

Sex

· Men and women who hate each other will inevitably end up having sex in cupboards.

· Young footballers are magnetically attracted to Gillian Taylforth.

· Couples enjoying a great sex life will be signalled by the fact that they can't help but have a shag even though they've overslept and are running late for work. Body odour is never an issue.

· All women moan during sex but never sweat.

· Women who have to leave the bed after sex will wrap themselves in a magic sheet that reaches up to armpit level.

People

· Whenever you hear the phrase "I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine," the old friend will turn out to be a right lying bastard. Alternatively the "old friend" will be somebody you slept with years ago.

· All grocery bags must contain a stick of French bread.

· Men racked with guilt over their misdemeanours will frequent a sparsely populated bar and drink whisky. No other drink is acceptable. After taking a slug they will wipe their mouth with the back of their sleeve.

· Women in the same situation will take a bubble bath.

· Sports coaches are all alcoholics.

· TV families have breakfast together but never have time to finish it.

· Tramps who inadvertently witness a spectacular incident will rub their eyes before staring at their liquor, shaking their head and then throwing the bottle over their shoulder.

· People in soap operas don't watch soap operas.

· No one gets out of the house when there is obvious danger there (ghosts, murderers, Ross Kemp).

Medicine

· A cough is a sure-fire sign of a terminal illness.

· Doctors' waiting rooms always contain someone with a neck brace.

· People always have something to say just before they die.

· Lethal injections are always squirted into the air first.

· Being beaten to a pulp doesn't hurt but when a woman cleans your wounds one must wince in agony.

· In lab scenes we always see pipettes but no one ever says the word pipette.