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Thursday, June 16, 2005

For the Anti-Christ in your life

If I burn in hell for eternity I will remember this afternoon! Seriously I saw this mentioned in the Freethinker magazine ( and comes from the Raving Atheist website ( I'll start saying my hail Mary's now...

Sainthood for Pope Not to Involve Cynical, Preposterous Fraud - Mon, Apr 11, 2005
The Vatican, Rome, April 10, 2005
Special to The Raving Atheist

Despite the pressure of popular demand for the immediate canonization of the late Pope John Paul II, Vatican officials have vowed not to perpetrate a massive, cynical fraud to bestow sainthood on the late pontiff. Saint-candidates must perform two posthumous miracles to earn the title.

"We will not stoop to shameless, crowd-pleasing trickery to fill our pews and coffers," announced Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger. "More particularly, we will not exploit an illiterate, delusional third-world peasant by bribing a team of phony doctors to declare that she was cured of some unspecified grave illness after praying to a bedside picture of Pope John Paul II."

Ratzinger added that if the deceased pontiff does fulfill his miracle quota with medical cures, they will be of an unreproachable sort -- fully befitting of an omnipotent being, and performed on live television. "Severed limbs regrown, decapitations undone, the Twin Towers depulverized, Christopher Reeve risen from the wheelchair and the grave to host the Oscars in front of an audience of a quarter-million resurrected tsunami victims," Ratzinger vowed. "Not some questionable third-hand anecdote about the "unexplained" remission of leukemia at the hidden, microscopic cellular level in the body of a mud hut-dwelling Brazilian commoner."

Another Cardinal reaffirmed that Vatican stooges are not meeting as we speak to plot an unconscionable global scam that, in a sane world, would be prosecuted under the criminal racketeering statutes of every civilized society. According to His Eminence Edward Cardinal Egan, the sophisticated minds responsible for managing the Church's vast financial empire are not currently chortling over a scheme to con the gullible masses with a transparent faith-healing ruse barely worthy of a snake-oil-selling carnival sideshow revivalist. "Nor will such deceit be practiced with the hubris of an organization accustomed to decades of immunity for child-rape due to its infiltration of the highest level of the executive, legislative and judicial branches of government," Egan pledged.

Blogger and radio host Hugh Hewitt also applauded the Vatican's decision not to trivialize itself by stooping to the level of lesser, primitive voodoo-religions. "The mainstream media will try to convince us that medical miracles by dead popes is nonsense that nobody can believe in 2005," Hewitt said. "But aided by the Holy Spirit, His Holiness will prove the supremacy of Catholicism with a display so dazzling it will make Mother Teresa's coffin-based canonization miracles look like a child's toy store magic tricks."


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